Untrue Love Read online

  Inwardly she flinched a little bit every time she thought back to the previous day. Her mind kept conjuring up a picture of her colleagues gathered together and laughing at her. She felt hurt, angry, embarrassed, and disappointed all at once. An intolerable mixture of emotions boiled in her chest; she didn’t know how to get it out, and there wasn’t anyone she could talk to, not even her boyfriend. Long ago Ellie had carefully hidden the part of herself that sometimes felt like a scared little girl. She had locked that girl away in the hopes that she could forget she was ever there in the first place. The thought of letting Jackson see her now—all of her, including the parts she had lied about—was too shameful to contemplate.

  Ellie could feel herself slipping into black depression, and she grasped at anything that might hold the darkness back. She was still young and smart, and she looked good in a suit. There was no reason she couldn’t start over in another industry. She could find something that would use her highly-evolved language skills: communications, maybe, or even marketing. Ellie was tempted. It would mean she’d never have see Kate’s smug face again, and after a few years the money would probably be a lot better. Meanwhile, academia could be very hard if you didn’t have tenure. Every year there were new faces among her colleagues, men and women who were hired (and paid miserably) for a year or two at the most before they were sent packing again. Everyone with a Ph.D. knew someone, a friend or former classmate, who had become a virtual sharecropper in the nation’s colleges and universities. Ellie vowed to herself that she would never go down that path. She would never allow herself to need an academic job so badly that she would give up everything in exchange for it.

  Still, she wasn’t ready to give up just yet on everything that she’d worked for, and in any case it set her teeth on edge to think people would know that she quit at the first real setback. Everyone who had voted to deny her tenure was wrong, she knew they were, and now it was her job to prove it. If that was the best she could do for a life’s mission, so be it. Ellie figured she might as well get on with it.

  She looked at the phone in her hand, then sighed and flipped through the notebook she used for names and phone numbers. Ellie was popular at conferences, a highly sought-after conversation partner at the parties and informal drinking sessions that followed the day’s sessions. She had a special knack for smiling and nodding and feigning interest in whatever the other person—almost always a man—shared with her over the rim of his wine glass.

  One of those men, Ellie remembered, was so fascinated by her that he had offered her a job on the spot. She found his number and punched it into the phone. After a few rings a man’s voice answered.

  “Yes?”

  “Hello, is this Anthony Bradford?”

  “Yes, it is. To whom am I speaking?”

  “I’m Ellie Stanton. We met at the conference on Media, Language, and Culture last year? In Kansas City?”

  There was a pause on the other end while the other man searched his memory. “Oh, right,” he said at last, not very convincingly. “What can I do for you, Ms. Stanton?”

  Ellie wished that she was sitting across the table from him in a bar or a restaurant, where he would be at the mercy of her full capacity to charm, but she could only use the tools at her disposal. “You probably don’t remember, but after the first day’s sessions we had a chance to talk over drinks. You were telling me about the work you hoped to do on the semiotics of 1980’s music videos.”

  “Oh Ellie, right!” he said, remembering her now. She could hear his smile over the phone line. “I’m sorry, I’m an old man and my memory is getting tricky. Of course I remember you.”

  Ellie paused to give him a chance to conjure a vivid picture of her in his mind. She wanted him thinking about how good she had looked that evening, and how bright her smile was. “I’ve often thought back to that conversation,” she lied. “I really admire your courage and vision in bringing an analytical perspective to bear on a neglected feature of our cultural history. You inspired me to aim higher in my own work, and I really think I’m a better scholar because of that conversation,” she added, hoping that she wasn’t laying it on too thick. She needed him to think that he was already her mentor and benefactor. If he did, he’d find it easier to play that role a second time.

  “You’re very kind,” he chortled in reply. “It was my very great pleasure to exchange ideas with you. I hope we can do it again sometime. Maybe I can convince you to visit my university sometime?”

  “It’s funny that you should mention that,” Ellie began carefully. “When we spoke, you mentioned that there might be an opportunity for me within your department. Is that still a possibility?”

  He paused, taken aback. “Of course! We’d love to have you. But I thought you were happy where you were?”

  “Sometimes it’s just not a good fit, no matter how much you try to make it work. I’m sure you can understand.”

  “Oh, absolutely. Fit is everything.”

  “So I’m calling around, reconnecting with a few people and getting a measure of where I might find a new home. And of course I thought of you right away. It would be so much fun to work together!” Ellie exclaimed, feeling a little guilty despite herself. In truth, aside from the few details she’d already shared she barely remembered the man, and might never have thought of him again if the vague promise of a job hadn’t floated up through her consciousness once the fire of her anger had burned itself out.

  “That would be a pleasure, and I’m sure we’ll do whatever is necessary to land you!”

  “We’d need to talk about course load, and money of course. And then there’s the question of tenure,” she added delicately. She felt like she was trying to catch a fish with her bare hands, and was careful not to startle it with too-quick movements.

  “Well, I’ll need to talk to my department chair, and then the university president, but I think I can promise that we’ll match whatever you’re making now, plus a little bump. And if we need to throw in tenure to land a candidate of your stature, that would be a very reasonable price to pay.”

  With her free hand, Ellie pumped her fist as a feeling of triumph washed over her. True, she had pretty much lied her way into the offer, but it was also true that she would be a revelation in a smaller school. It would be as if a community theater put on a play and Meryl Streep showed up to play the lead.

  “That sounds terrific, Anthony,” she purred. “I need to make a few more calls, but I’ll try to get back to you by the end of the week. Do you think you can have an offer by then?”

  “I’ll do whatever it takes, Ellie. You’re worth it.”

  She smiled and said her goodbyes, then leaned back in the chair and basked in the satisfaction. All told, she had been out of work for less than a day—and if everything played out right, she’d get tenure after all! She was back in the game, and perfectly situated to prove her doubters wrong.

  Anthony Bradford was right: she was worth it. She was worth it all, and then some.

  5

  FOUR MONTHS LATER Ellie was in the back of a taxi cab heading down the back roads of Illinois, staring out the window with an increasing sense of dismay. The thin sound of her sister’s voice wafted from the iPhone she was holding to her left ear, and she clung to the sound as if it were a life preserver and she was adrift in open seas.

  “It can’t be that bad,” Sarah said, sounding amused.

  “It is that bad. It is that bad and much worse. To my left I see grass and trees. To my right I see grass, trees, and little white farm houses with red roofs. There is nothing else. Where are the buildings? Where are the mountains? Where are the people? Where are the cars that are not pickup trucks?”

  “You mostly left those things behind in the Bay Area. Welcome to farm country, girl!”

  “Don’t rub it in,” Ellie moaned. “I’m unhappy and you’re not helping.”

  “It’s not so bad.”

  “Liar.”

  “It’s not so bad! It took me a while
to get used to it, but now I kind of like it.” Sarah had moved from San Francisco to the middle of nowhere in search of two things: a hot hunk of a man named Brad, and a good place to run her business providing digital news services to small towns. From what Ellie could tell, both ventures were going very well.

  “Tell me one thing you like.”

  “The air, for one. It actually smells good! I forgot what air is supposed to smell like.”

  “Not enough. Tell me something else.”

  “The vegetables are great. Well, not in the store. The grocery stores can be surprisingly bad, especially if you’re looking for cheese that’s not orange. But everyone has a back yard, and if you meet the right people—by which I mean the ones with green thumbs, who are growing all sorts of things in their vegetable gardens—they always have more than they can eat and what’s left over is delicious! I thought I liked salads before, but I didn’t know what I was missing.”

  “Got it. Non-stinky air and leafy greens. Anything else?”

  “There are a lot of cows. And horses, which are pretty. And sheep. If you ever get a chance to see a real sheep dog at work, take it! It’s pretty amazing.”

  Ellie rolled her eyes. “This is not happening. We are not talking about sheep-herding as if it were a form of entertainment.”

  Sarah laughed. “Ellie, do I have to remind you that you asked for this? You went out looking for this job, and the last time we talked, you sounded pretty excited about it.”

  “I was excited at the idea that my career was not going down the toilet. I pulled a second chance right out of my butt, and yes—I’m glad to have it. But why did it have to be in Hicksville?!”

  “You’ll get used to it. You will. You’ll find some people you like, and some things that you like to do, and sooner or later it will feel like home.”

  “Maybe the campus will be better,” Ellie said, trying to cheer herself up. “Maybe it’s a little island of sophistication in the middle of the absolute opposite of that.”

  “It’s possible.”

  “That’s what I’m holding onto. That’s what I’m going to believe, and maybe it’s like Tinkerbell: believing it makes it real.”

  “That could work. It’s really important that you keep a positive outlook. Which brings me to my next point: How are you doing?”

  Ellie shrugged, fully aware that the gesture did not carry down the phone lines. “I’m OK.”

  “Really? OK?”

  “I’m as good as I’m going to be. It looks like my new job might totally suck, and I’m something like three thousand miles away from the only person who really cares about me.”

  “That’s not true,” Sarah replied sternly. “You know I love you, and Dad does too. Even Brad is very fond of you, though he’s still a little angry about the last time you two hung out together.”

  “Look, if the man doesn’t know how to play table shuffleboard, he should recognize his limitations.”

  “He’s more angry about the taunting than he is about the shuffleboard.”

  “I played, I won, I talked some trash. It worked for Julius Caesar, and it works for me.”

  Sarah snorted in amusement. “It works just fine for you, I’m just warning you that Brad has been plotting his revenge ever since.”

  “You can tell him from me: bring it on.”

  “And bring it he shall. But we were talking about how you’re doing, in this moment, at this point in your life.”

  Ellie searched for the words that would capture the ambiguity that was her life. “I’ve been better, and I’ve been worse. Not everything is as I want it to be, but I know that I’m damned lucky to have a job, and I plan to make the most of it. Is that enough of an answer for you?”

  “I guess it will have to be. And what about Jackson?”

  “He’s doing surprisingly well.”

  Sarah paused before answering. “You don’t seem happy about that.”

  “Well, would it kill him to be a little upset? Just for a few days? Instead, he adapts and he adjusts, like he always does. He takes stock of his situation and then goes about the business of ‘maximizing his expected returns,’ or something like that. Which is all fine, really, I just would prefer it to come with a few tears.”

  “Sorry, no,” Sarah repeated, her voice full of skepticism. “I can’t see Jackson crying. First, because that’s far too pretty a face for him to mar it with puffy red eyes, and second, because he knows that you would dump him for a more macho man at the first sign of tears.”

  Ellie sighed. “Maybe. OK, fine—yes, I’d dump his weeping ass. I just hope he doesn’t go to hell while we’re apart. Seriously, it took me years to get him to trim his facial hair regularly, and let’s not even talk about the underwear situation!”

  “Yes! Let’s not.”

  “Suffice it to say that Calvin Klein would run screaming at the sight of what Jackson was wearing when we first started dating. Now, after long and arduous toil, I have him looking pretty good, and I don’t want him becoming a big slob again because I’m not there to supervise!”

  “He’s a grown man, Ellie. At some point you’re going to need to let him make a few of his own decisions.”

  “Just as soon as he deserves it. Hey, trees!”

  “Excuse me?”

  “There are trees on both sides of the road now. You’ll have to excuse me, I get excited every time I see something that’s not flat as a pancake with a barn on it.”

  “Are you almost there?”

  “I think so. Maybe? It looks a little different now. It doesn’t look like farmland anymore, at any rate. And … no, I was wrong. More farms.”

  “OK, look, I gotta go. Call me back when you’re at your new place. I want to see it through your eyes!”

  Ellie didn’t want to let her sister go, but she knew she couldn’t keep her on the line forever. “Will do. Thanks for holding my hand.”

  “Happy to. I love you!”

  “I love you, too. I’ll call you back in an hour or so.”

  “Bye.”

  Ellie hung up and gazed forlornly out the window. Part of her wondered if the taxi driver had taken offense at all the things she had to say about his home state, but she couldn’t really bring herself to care. In her wildest dreams, she would not have imagined that she’d end up in rural Illinois, surrounded for hundreds of miles on all sides by farmland and emptiness. The idea that she might spend years of her life in a place like this filled her with emptiness.

  “Come on, Jackson,” she whispered. “Save my ass. Find us a home somewhere better than this.”

  6

  “AND THESE ARE our main quads. It’s quiet now, because most of the students are gone for the summer, but during the academic year this is quite the hotspot, especially on sunny days!”

  Ellie took in the view and tried her best to look impressed. The university’s campus was pleasant enough, with wide grassy areas punctuated by broad-limbed trees and imposing brick buildings. It was, in fact, just about the most generic campus she had ever seen, as if the architect drew up his plans after binge-watching episodes of “The Paper Chase.”

  It’s just that everything seemed so…small.

  The few students on the quads looked to her eyes like little people leading little lives. She could imagine that most of them had been born and grew up within one hundred miles of the campus, and after they graduated they would marry someone they met in school and settle down, once again within one hundred miles of campus.

  She was trying really hard not to be a big-city snob, but she was failing.

  Her guide this afternoon was an aggressively friendly woman with highlights in her hair whose name was Beth. She was a few years older than Ellie, and appeared to be enormously proud of the school she was showing off to its newest faculty member. “The students will start showing up in about three weeks, so you’ll have time to settle in before you need to worry about classes or office hours. Have you had a chance to unpack yet?”

  “I d
idn’t bring a lot with me,” Ellie answered vaguely. Most of her clothes and possessions were still back in California, where she had delegated the responsibility of boxing it up and shipping it to Jackson. He wasn’t happy to find himself saddled with the job, though, and was taking his sweet time going about it, which meant that she had to live out of a suitcase for the time being. “Could you tell me where the stores are?” she asked hopefully. She’d been planning on buying what she needed as soon as she arrived, except there didn’t seem to be anywhere to shop.

  Beth laughed happily. “If you’re looking for the mall, we don’t have one. There’s a Safeway down Main Street for when you need food, and of course this is the sort of town where you have your choice of hardware stores. But if I need something, I usually order it off Amazon.”

  Ellie nodded absently. She didn’t like the idea of buying clothes and shoes online, but she could see that her options were limited.

  “Now, I don’t mean to say that there aren’t some good places here, and they’re run by good people. We don’t have the big chain stores but there are some Mom and Pop places that are pretty good. I can’t really recommend any place for clothes, but if you’re interested I’ll introduce you to Emily, my seamstress. She’s great for alterations, and can even whip something up for you from one of her own designs if you want. She’s very talented.”

  Ellie had her doubts about Emily’s qualifications, but this didn’t seem the time to share them. “What about the faculty housing?” she asked, referring to the unit of apartments the university reserved for faculty who didn’t own homes of their own. “Is there anything I should know?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Well, like bugs. It doesn’t seem like anyone has been in my unit for a while. Should I be spraying or something?”