Untrue Love Read online

  Paul’s breath was ragged. He propped himself up on his arms and looked her in the eyes, his own gray eyes almost frightening in their intensity. “Ellie—” he groaned in a half-whisper, and then he exploded inside her. She was not far behind, and where he had been nearly silent she screamed loudly enough to wake the neighbors.

  Later they did make it to her bed, where they lay together until deep into the night, stroking each other. Ellie was amazed at how good this man felt beside her. Usually she could feel an attraction building, but this time it had snuck up on her. She was uncomfortably aware of how little she knew about the man she had just slept with, but she looked forward to learning all about him.

  “Nothing happened between me and Philip,” she said at last. “Not that you weren’t an ass for bursting in here and asking the way you did, mind you, but I want you to know that we just talked business.” It was a lie, but only a small one, and she didn’t see the point of telling him about all of the flirting that Philip had done that had resulted in nothing.

  He let out a long sigh. She could tell how important that news was to him. “Thank you for that,” he said. “And I am sorry. I’m lucky you didn’t call the cops.”

  “I nearly did. How did you know I was at Philip’s, anyway?”

  He hesitated. “I happened to see you coming out of his place.”

  “I take it that you and he aren’t exactly friends.”

  He smiled. “We aren’t friends, that’s true.”

  “Why do you hate him so much?”

  He paused again. “You don’t know him as well as I do.”

  “I don’t know you very well, either.”

  He kissed her bare shoulder. “I know. I want to tell you everything, and I will, but I can’t right now. All I can do is ask you to trust me.”

  She considered him in the darkness. She knew she had no reason to give him the trust he was asking for, but without knowing why, she wanted to.

  She snuggled into his warmth, but even as she began to drift off to sleep her mind was working on the puzzle. Paul had not been straight with her about the conference. He had spoken out in opposition to her dream, despite everything he had said and for no good reason as far as she could tell. Now she knew that there was something between him and Philip—was that the reason, because he knew that Philip was supporting her ideas? It seemed ridiculous, but she had no better explanation yet.

  Her mind was working on the puzzle. Now she knew that Paul had secrets. What might they be?

  58

  ELLIE CHASED AFTER the specter of Paul’s secrets for the next few days. She went to sleep thinking about what they might be, and when she woke the next morning she got right back to it. She delivered lectures, answered student questions, and talked with her colleagues, and all the while the back of her mind was turning the puzzle over and over, looking for a way to crack it.

  Her task was doomed, though, and she knew it. She simply didn’t know enough about Paul to guess what he might be keeping from her. She knew almost nothing about him, not even what she felt for him. When she wasn’t thinking about his secrets, she was trying to make up her mind whether she regretted the night they spent together. Sometimes the thought of it made her giddy, as if she was a teenage girl writing her crush’s name over and over again down the pages of her diary. Other times it felt like a one-night stand in the making. Her heart swung wildly between two extremes, and her mood swings were every bit as dramatic.

  She was walking down the hallway of her apartment building and trying to keep herself from slipping into another obsessive reverie when she heard two muffled voices that she recognized. She slipped the key into the lock and swung the door open.

  In the living room she found her father and Philip sitting on the couch with beers in their hands and their heads close together, talking as if they were close conspirators.

  Philip stood up when he saw her come in. He favored her with his customarily dazzling smile. “Ellie! Your father and I were getting acquainted.”

  “We talked about two of my favorite things, sports and money,” her father said, coming over to give her a kiss on the cheek. “And now here you are, my favorite topic of all.”

  Ellie looked from the one to the other. “You were talking about money?” she asked, not much liking the sound of that.

  Her father gave Philip an approving look. “Your friend was just telling me about an interesting investment opportunity. Very interesting.”

  Philip held out a hand in caution. “Now, Duane, understand that we were talking at a very high level. I won’t accept a penny until you’re absolutely certain that this is a good match for your financial aspirations.”

  Her father chuckled. “Financial aspirations. I like that. I never really thought about having aspirations before.”

  “Dad,” Ellie said, trying to keep the disapproval out if her voice and mostly failing, “you already have enough for your retirement. You have your pension, and Social Security, and your savings for whatever is left over.”

  “I have enough to get by. But I also have aspirations.”

  “Dad,” Ellie said in a low voice, but Philip broke in before she could complete her sentence.

  “I think we may be putting the cart before the horse. Your father and I were discussing general principles. We have a long way to go before any money is involved.”

  Her father extended his hand and shook Philip’s. “I’ll say good night then, Philip, but don’t forget to give me a chance to get in on your next big deal. My daughter might think that she gets to run my life, but I still remember how to write a check.”

  Ellie looked at him in exasperation as he ambled off toward the bathroom, then turned on Philip with war in her heart.

  He held up his hands in supplication. “I’m sorry, Ellie. I really was just making conversation while we waited for you to get home. Just say the word, and I’ll promise never to speak to your father again about his investments or anything else that makes you uncomfortable.”

  She groped for words of outrage and exasperation, but then let it go with a sigh. “It’s his money, Philip. He can do what he wants with it. Just promise me that you won’t leave him penniless, because then I’ll never get him off my couch.”

  Philip chuckled. “I promise you, I take very good care of my clients’ money. That’s why they trust me with so much of it. But I didn’t come here to talk about retirement income. I have good news.”

  Her curiosity was piqued. “What is it?”

  “I have the money for your conference,” he said with a twinkle in his eye.

  “What?” she said. “How? The trustees aren’t due to meet again for months!”

  “There’s more than one way to skin a cat, Ellie. Frankly, I doubt that the trustees would have approved your plan even if you did manage to get all three of your academic superstars to commit. They would have come up with some excuse to do it next year, or the year after that, no matter how many hoops you managed to jump through. That body is composed of men and women who do not like being rushed. Luckily, I have friends in useful places.”

  “And who are these friends?”

  “Actually it’s one friend in particular. He’s very old and very rich, and at this point in his life he’s looking for ways to put that wealth to use and leave a mark on the world. I’ve reached out to him, and he’s agreed to meet. If all goes well, he’ll be willing to bankroll the entire event.”

  Ellie was stunned. It had never even occurred to her to seek outside funding. “Is that done? Can we hold an event on campus with money that we get from a private donor?”

  Philip shrugged, still smiling. “Who knows? I’d bet that, if we asked the bureaucrats, they’d come up with a reason to say ‘no.’ But I’m also pretty sure that will be an easier problem to solve than the one we were already grappling with.”

  She still didn’t know what to think. It sounded too good to be true, but maybe sometimes things actually were that easy. The invisible clouds hanging abov
e her head parted just enough to allow a few rays of light to come through. Perhaps her future held something good after all.

  Impulsively, she stepped forward and hugged Philip. His arms came around her in a strong but gentle hold. She pulled back just far enough to look into his eyes.

  “Thank you,” she said.

  “For you,” he murmured, “I would do anything.”

  59

  WITH A VAGUE feeling of dread, Donna walked to the front door. Her roommate had summoned her with the word that she had a visitor, and long before she reached the door she knew who it was. What she didn’t know was what she was going to say.

  “Hi,” she said weakly.

  Glenn had a dark expression on his face, but he attempted a smile and almost succeeded.

  “Hi,” he replied. “You got my voice mails?”

  “Yeah.”

  “And my texts.”

  “Yeah.”

  “And the email.”

  “Uh huh.”

  “I suppose I could have written you a letter, too, but there didn’t seem to be much point if you don’t want to talk to me.”

  A flare of resistance flowed through her. “What’s your point, Glenn?”

  He sighed. “Can we talk somewhere?”

  She nodded and took her coat down from the hook by the door. Together the two of them crossed the street to a dingy little park that sat opposite the house where she and her roommate shared an apartment. The weather was cold, but at least it wasn’t windy. Donna hunched into the furry collar of her coat and took a seat on a park bench that felt, to her butt, like it was made out of solid ice.

  Glenn sat quietly at first, as if gathering his words, but finally he spoke. “Do you not like me, Donna?”

  “What? No!”

  “Then do you think I’m ugly?”

  “No!”

  “Do you already have a boyfriend?”

  That question pushed her into defensiveness. “What do you mean?”

  He gave her a look filled with complicated emotions. “I mean that there has to be some explanation for the way you’ve been acting. I like you, Donna. I want to know you better. I want you to know me better. I want us to be special to one another. But I feel like I’m the only one who wants these things.”

  Donna glanced skyward, hoping she would find an answer there for what to say. Ever since the disastrous conversation with Evan she had been under a cloud of gloom, and no ray of clarity had been able to reach her since. “I’m sorry, Glenn. I really am. I just don’t know what I want.”

  It was a lie. Donna’s heart twisted with the knowledge of how big of a lie it was. She knew quite clearly what she wanted; she just didn’t know how to get it.

  And, if she couldn’t have that thing, she didn’t know how she could bring herself to want anything else.

  “If you don’t have a boyfriend, what is it? Just tell me the truth, Donna. All I want is the truth.”

  She wanted to lie to him again, or, failing that, she wanted to stand up and walk away without saying anything. Instead, despite all of her bad intentions, she opened her mouth and the truth came out. “There is someone. A guy. He’s not my boyfriend. I don’t even think he likes me very much. I’ve made an idiot of myself so often because of him that I’ve lost count. But I can’t let him go, Glenn. I just can’t. I love him.”

  He let out a long breath, almost a sigh, and let his head loll back with his eyes closed. When he finally spoke he sounded almost amused. “That can’t be it, Donna. You’re far too smart for that.”

  She shook her head. “I’m really not.”

  “That’s not love. What you’re feeling? It isn’t love.”

  She felt a surge of anger. “How do you know what I’m feeling?” she demanded.

  He stood from the bench and faced her, his gloved hands spread as if grasping for the words that would convince her. “Love is connection. Love is two people putting each other ahead of themselves. Love isn’t pining after someone who doesn’t even like you!”

  Donna didn’t know what to say. She hated him for what he said, but at the same time she agreed with every word. “What do you expect me to do?” she asked wearily. “Just stop caring about him? Is it that easy for you, to change what you feel as if you’re flipping a light switch? Because if you think it is that easy, maybe you’re the one who doesn’t know what love is.”

  He stared at her in the dark. “How long have you known this guy?”

  She shrugged. “I don’t know. Five or six years? We met in the dorm.”

  He nodded, as if she had just confirmed something that he had long suspected. “So when I first asked you out—hell, the entire time we’ve known each other—you knew there was no chance. But still you let me go through with it. Why?”

  She searched for the answer, but didn’t find anything that made her feel any better about herself. “Hope?”

  He shook his head, both at her answer and in answer to it. “Hopeless,” he said, and then turned away from her and into the night.

  Donna was left alone with her tears and the most profound sense of loneliness she had ever experienced. The cold was working its way into her bones now, and she welcomed it. She wanted to freeze in that spot, to be covered with snow and ice and forgotten until the spring. Better that than to return to her apartment, and to the life that was waiting for her inside of it.

  60

  ELLIE WAS STILL thinking about the meeting with Philip when she climbed the steps to Paul’s apartment. She felt like she was living in a dream; could it really be that the money would show up out of nowhere? All of the cynicism she had cultivated over a lifetime told her to be suspicious, to take that gift horse and look in its mouth. She didn’t want to, however. She wanted to open the cover of the fairy tale and step right into its pages.

  As she raised her hand to knock on Paul’s door, for the first time she wondered whether she was at liberty to tell him about Philip’s offer. It felt like he had told her about it in confidence, but Paul was also a trustee; didn’t he have a right to know? And in any case, it felt weird to be keeping secrets from him.

  She still hadn’t made up her mind when the door swung open. Paul’s expression when he looked at her had no sign of happiness that she was there. He seemed angry, though Ellie couldn’t imagine why he would be mad at her.

  “Is anything—” she started.

  He took her by the arm and pulled her into the apartment, shutting the door roughly behind her. “There’s something you’re not telling me, Ellie,” he said, breathing heavily. “And this time I need the truth from you.”

  Instinctively Ellie’s defenses came up. “What are you talking about?” she said, more in defiance than in answer.

  Paul visibly struggled to calm himself. “Philip Baptiste! I asked you about him before, but you didn’t tell me the truth then. Now I need to know the nature of your involvement with him.”

  Ellie’s breath came out in a quick burst of exasperation. “Not this again! What is it between you two, anyway? Why do you hate him so much?”

  “He’s not what he seems.”

  “And you?!” she exploded. “Are you what you seem, Paul?”

  For a moment he seemed stunned by her words, but then he returned to the attack. “Baptiste his a liar and a cheat,” he insisted.

  “How? In what way?”

  He closed his eyes in frustration. “I can’t tell you.”

  Ellie turned to leave. “Then we don’t have anything to talk about, do we?”

  She heard powerful footsteps behind her and then Paul’s hand landed heavily on the door, preventing her from opening it.

  “Are you going to trap me here? Is that your plan?” she said, the icy cold in her voice matching the feeling in her heart.

  “No,” he said quietly, his mouth inches from her left shoulder. “But I can’t let you leave. Not like this. Not until I…not yet.”

  She spun around, her eyes wide with anger and exasperation. “What the hell is going
on?” she demanded.

  His head hung, and his body was as slack as if he was struggling to hold up an indescribable weight. “I want to tell you. I want to tell you everything. But I can’t. Not yet.”

  His eyes came up and locked with hers. His gaze was so intense that she took a sharp, involuntary breath.

  “Until then you have to promise me, Ellie. Promise that you’ll stay away from him. Don’t fall for him and his lies.”

  Ellie searched his eyes, looking for understanding. She didn’t find it, but she did find something else. Deep within him, beneath the anger and the torment, she could see the edges of a hurt and a need so great that it brought tears to her eyes. She caught a glimpse of a little boy trapped within the man, and she wanted to hold him and comfort him. She reached up a hand to stroke the rough stubble of his cheek.

  And then they were kissing. Paul sucked at her mouth with wild need, as if he was a drowning man gasping for air. She responded to his need by wrapping her arms around his neck, pulling him tightly against her. The kiss was tight and wet and they struggled with each others’ clothes.

  Ellie was pinned against the door. It felt good to have him pressed up against her, but not as good as she wanted it to feel. In a quick, lithe movement she twisted around and slammed Paul against the wall. He looked at her with gray eyes full of surprise and arousal.

  Ellie took his wrists in her hands and pinned his arms against the door. She ravaged his mouth with her lips and tongue. She was still angry at the way he had greeted her, and she channeled the anger into aggression and control. She didn’t care if he liked it. She didn’t care if he wanted it. She wanted it enough for both of them, and she was possessed by a fierce determination to take what she wanted from him.

  She broke the kiss to look into his fevered eyes. They were both gasping now, and she smiled at the sight of spittle on his lips. Releasing his wrists, she reached down and abruptly tore his white dress shirt open. Buttons scattered clicking across the hardwood floor. She ran her fingers down his tightly-muscled chest until they came to the waistband of his pants.